Salad Days

Friday, December 29, 2006

Link to my Workout Log

If anyone out there cares what I'm doing to train for Ironman Coeur D'Alene, you can check out my log at http://www.workoutlog.com/log/public/ironteammatt/log.cfm.

This week has been hard realizing that I am going to lose my apartment. It's very difficult to spend an hour with your head under water or 2 hours riding your bike on a trainer in your living room and think positive thoughts while your life is crashing around you. Oh well, I've survived worse than this...I'll be fine. I realize that this has given me the perspective I need to decide that going back to school is the best option for me. I've wanted to be a lawyer since I was a kid and there is absolutely nothing standing in my way other than my own internal thoughts. I've signed up for a full load at Santa Monica College (only $20 per credit) with the ultimate goal to be transferring to UCLA or some other 4 year school to get a BA in International Studies or something.

Anyway, I need a house and a job (or a bunch of new clients). Once I take care of those issues, training will be a breeze. In the meantime, I need to fight the voice inside telling me everything sucks, get off the bike or out of the pool, go sit on the couch and hide from the world.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

No I in Team, but three in Team in Training

Here's a picture of myself over 320 I thought I would share as motivation. I feel so bad for that guy.
I wanted to start off by writing about how much fun I'm having training as a member of the Ironteam. I'm not exactly a social animal, one reason why I've taken to a sport that asks me to spend a considerable amount of time in a pool, on a trainer, or on the road by myself. I am having a great time making friends with and being teammates to the other people on this team. I'm going through a tough patch and it's a great feeling to know that every Tuesday night at the pool and every Saturday morning I get to meet up with cool people that are on my side. Yesterday morning, I committed to doing a ride at 6 am. I woke up at 5:30 to a freezing (for California) morning and every bit of me was screaming to be allowed to go back to sleep. It was a weird feeling, but I couldn't let my teammates down so I got up and made the ride. By the way, I HAVE to get cold weather gloves for the bike.
As for training, I need to work on the following:
1. Breathing in the water - I'm still lifting my head and gasping for breath. This wrenches my neck and slows me down. I'm going to try swimming with a tennis ball under my neck to help.
2. Slow down my "all-day" pace on the bike and run. Burning out halfway through my last run interval showed me that I am going to fast. I do not need to put pressure to achieve a certain time on my first Ironman. Finishing will be a reward. Besides, every time I have become obsessed with finishing times, I have failed to meet them after setting an unrealistic goal. For now, I'll trust my coaches and slow down. This will allow me to work on...
3. Form. My swim, bike, and run form all suffer when I go to fast. I only really learned this stuff since May of this year and it hasn't been imprinted in me yet. Form will give me a bigger boost in speed then effort at this stage.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Psalm 109

Okay, so I'm not religious nor do I read the bible or really believe in God, but this is a good goddamn poem.

Hold not thy peace, O God of my praise;
for the mouth of the wicked and the mouth of the deceitful are opened against me:
they have spoken against me with a lying tongue.
They compassed me about also with words of hatred;
and fought against me without a cause.
For my love they are my adversaries:
but I give myself unto prayer.
And they have rewarded me evil for good,
and hatred for my love.
Set thou a wicked man over him:
and let Satan stand at his right hand.
When he shall be judged, let him be condemned:
and let his prayer become sin.
Let his days be few;
and let another take his office.
Let his children be fatherless,
and his wife a widow.
Let his children be continually vagabonds, and beg:
let them seek their bread also out of their desolate places.
Let the extortioner catch all that he hath;
and let the strangers spoil his labor.
Let there be none to extend mercy unto him:
neither let there be any to favor his fatherless children.
Let his posterity be cut off;
and in the generation following let their name be blotted out.
Let the iniquity of his fathers be remembered with the LORD;
and let not the sin of his mother be blotted out.
Let them be before the LORD continually
that he may cut off the memory of them from the earth.
Because that he remembered not to show mercy,
but persecuted the poor and needy man,
that he might even slay the broken in heart.
As he loved cursing,
so let it come unto him:
as he delighted not in blessing,
so let it be far from him.
As he clothed himself with cursing like as with his garment,
so let it come into his bowels like water,
and like oil into his bones.
Let it be unto him as the garment which covereth him,
and for a girdle wherewith he is girded continually.
Let this be the reward of mine adversaries from the LORD,
and of them that speak evil against my soul.
But do thou for me, O GOD the Lord, for thy name's sake:
because thy mercy is good, deliver thou me.
For I am poor and needy,
and my heart is wounded within me.
I am gone like the shadow when it declineth:
I am tossed up and down as the locust.
My knees are weak through fasting;
and my flesh faileth of fatness.
I became also a reproach unto them:
when they looked upon me they shook their heads.
Help me, O LORD my God:
O save me according to thy mercy:
that they may know that this is thy hand;
that thou, LORD, hast done it
Let them curse, but bless thou:
when they arise, let them be ashamed;
but let thy servant rejoice.
Let mine adversaries be clothed with shame;
and let them cover themselves with their own confusion, as with a mantle.
I will greatly praise the LORD with my mouth;
yea, I will praise him among the multitude.
For he shall stand at the right hand of the poor,
to save him from those that condemn his soul.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Nutty nuts

Oh yeah, that's why I had a feeling of unease. I was about to lose my two largest clients and along with them a large chunk of income and security. I haven't been sleeping thus depressing my immune system and I got sick. Now that I'm sick, It's really hard to motivate myself to train. Fortunately, this is a recovery week. I need to recover physically, mentally, and emotionally. Sleeping through most of the night was a good start. It's interesting, but no matter how sick or tired I am, I'm always up for a run. Yesterday I was supposed to swim 2000m and run for 25 minutes. I can run 25 minutes in my sleep so when I looked at my workout log, I immediately grabbed my shoes and iPod and hit the boardwalk. During the run I felt amazing and ready to take on the world. Swimming on the other hand, I looked at as a chore. I thought of how the water would affect my sinuses and the pool I could swim at during the day is closed. The only pool near me is open from 6-9. I guess I knew it wasn't gonna happen. Anyway, I just want to state for the record that I am facing a rather large challenge in my life. I'd like to start striking back immediately, but that is not the way to beat this. I need to be smart and hard-working and do a lot of legwork to beat this. Most importantly, however, I need to cut the strings that tie me to the pain and shame of past behaviors. I am ashamed of the person I used to be and that can be used to defeat me. What I have going for me, however, is that I am not that person anymore. I am good, honest, intelligent, and trustworthy.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

What next?

I wonder why this uneasy feeling won't leave me? I'm beginning to think that my mind is so used to being afraid and depressed that, even when most things are going extremely well, I create anxiety because it's comfortable.
Training is going really well. I rode 50 miles at 16.8 mph on the PCH on a really windy day. I really need to get some aerobars now so I can get used to them. I'm a large target so the wind affects me a bit. Also, I need to replace my watch with a new one since I fucked up the old one by not sealing it in the pool.
Just got called into a client's office. Gotta run

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Weirdness

Life is hard but rewarding. I have taken control of the things I do in my life, finally. My weekends and evenings are entirely my own and I fill them with fun things like running, surfing, swimming, reading, biking, hanging with friends, seeing good movies and TV. I am turning into an outgoing person and for the first time in my life, I sometimes talk to people I don't already know. I get to do all of this living four blocks from the beach in the state I love more than any other. That's right, I'll Sink with California. All of this is great but...

I am constantly worried and anxious. I am lonely and I miss my dogs and close friends back east. It looks like my dad is getting sick again and I'm sad and scared about that. Work is really tough and I have to overthink everything I do to ensure I don't make a misstep. I am struggling to learn how dating works. All of this weighs on me but...

This is life. The greatest rewards I've ever had followed the biggest challenges. I need to stay calm, breathe, and act the way men of honor act. I am going to win.